So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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