So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
