She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
