It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
