If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
