Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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