The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
