There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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