I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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