I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
