and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
