You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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