Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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