Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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