it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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