we have pet lesbian snakes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
