4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
