I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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