i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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