I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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