i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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