there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
