Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
