So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
