Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
