I'm jealous of your bromance
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
why is half of my head shaved?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
