I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
