call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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