I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
