I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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