I smell stomach acid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
