I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
