These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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