I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
