you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
