Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
