Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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