Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
