well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
