they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
