I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the condom got lost in my hair
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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