I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
