you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
