i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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