i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
