his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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