Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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