And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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