If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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