I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
