i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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